Life transitions are rough. Like, really rough. Rough enough to make you lose weight, gain acne, and even wander around your house aimlessly in your pajamas for days, hoping that crab rangoon will magically appear the thousandth time you open the fridge. But really…this actually happened right after I graduated.
Don’t be fooled-graduating college and leaving your best friends and home of four years behind is not for the faint of heart! But the point of this post is not to complain. Rather I’d like to give you, brave reader, a raw and unfiltered glimpse into what life has been like post-Moody.
Moody Bible Institute, with all her quirks, will always be special to me, for within her walls God drew me closer to Himself than ever before. As I sleepily got onto my red-eye flight back to Chicago after this past Christmas, I was dreading the fact that I was headed into my last semester. Don’t get me wrong- I was relieved that homework would end for in a few months, but leaving Moody behind for good? It was enough to make this senior’s heart very heavy.
Fast forward to a few weeks after graduation, when the dust began to settle (literally…I still haven’t unpacked all of my college bins!), and suddenly it began to sink in that a sweet chapter of life had closed. With my plan being to take a year off to work and save money to get my grad degree in counseling, besides working, I had no idea what to do with my life. And quite honestly reader, I’m still not completely sure what God wants for me in this season of life, and how I can best serve and glorify Him right now. For a while, I thought I had it all figured out – I was going to move to be closer to the guy I was dating long-distance, I was going to get a ministry job (because, you know, being a Moody grad, you need to get an “official” ministry job, right?), get a cat etc. But then, life…
Turns out the guy I was dating and I were only meant to journey so far together before parting ways, the “ministry job” was never even applied for, and the only thing that came to fruition in that list is getting a cat. Hey, you can’t start being a crazy cat lady too early in life. Needless to say, life after Moody has been extremely unpredictable.
God’s ways are never ours. Instead of what I had planned, He gave me an incredible nanny position here in Colorado, and moved me to a new city to live with my grandparents who have graciously let me stay with them so that I can save money for grad school. While I’m still searching for community and new friends, I have no choice but to trust God to provide these things too.
Life circumstances have turned out to be quite different than what I expected, but you’d think that graduating from four years of studying the Bible your spiritual life would be at an all-time high, right? Wrong.
During my time at Moody, my relationship with God went through various seasons, some where He asked me to simply sit at His feet and be still, others where He began to teach me the art of lament and weakness. In this first post-grad chapter, God has taken me through a season of brokenness and darkness.
In this life season I’ve struggled with sins that hadn’t cropped up in my life before, given in to an attitude of apathy about digging deep into Scripture or any spiritual discipline for that matter, and tried to glaze over the condition of my heart and soul in an attempt to numb the pain and grief that transition and loss bring. It’s safe to say that this has been one of the hardest and darkest seasons in my walk with God thus far.
In my pride and addiction to perfection, I’d like to be able to tell you that things are grand now, that I’m speaking of what’s already taken place and that God’s guided me out of the spiritual valley, that I have it all together…
That’s not even close to reality. Life is still messy. God is ever-faithful in walking this road with me, every muddy, messy step of it, and holding my finite frame tightly, not afraid of my sin or my mess, thank goodness.
That’s what the incarnation of Christ is all about, after all- God humbling himself and entering into our human form, our human mess and chaos to redeem us. The more I get to know this Jesus, the more astounded I am by His character. While this has been a scary and challenging season, God has stayed ever-true to his character, and has never once faltered, never left my side, never walked out, just as is promised in Matthew 28:20 when Jesus tells his disciples “and behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”
I’m being humbled and pruned, recognizing my weakness and ultimate need for Christ and helplessness without Him once again. It hurts. It’s messy. It’s not fun. And, as the band Rend Collective sings “in my wrestling and in my doubt, in my failure You [God] won’t walk out.” Take heart, fellow grads. He won’t walk out. He won’t walk out. He won’t walk out.